she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
