you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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