you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
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My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
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Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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