Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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