theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
