Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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