mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
