Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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