i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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