i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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