Got a toothbrush?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
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I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
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You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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