I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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