I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
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My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
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He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.