batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Randomize
