Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
