pop tarts are not kleenex
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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