i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
