***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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