Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
