I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
