Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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