can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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