Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
