Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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