I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
