The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
