Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
