I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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