Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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