as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
