i wish starbucks made bloody marys
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
