You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
