I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Hippo gnu deer
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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