either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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