I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
