dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
pray to the hookup gods
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
