I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
