Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
