Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
