Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Randomize
