did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
