When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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