Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
