I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
