Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
