i permit you to call me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
