I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
