I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
