im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
