I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
