...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
