I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
