and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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