I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
