i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
