I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
