well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
