I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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