I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
